Am I Having an Emotional Affair? 15 Question Quiz

Am I Having an Emotional Affair?Are you unsure whether or not you have strayed into the realms of emotional infidelity?

Are you worried that perhaps someone other than your spouse has become your top priority?

Or maybe you’re here reading this because your husband or wife wants you to see for yourself that your relationship with a “close friend” is actually an emotional affair.

The fact of the matter is, if you’ve ever asked yourself “am I in an emotional affair,” the answer is probably “yes”. And if your spouse is worried that you are in an emotional affair, then you probably are.

IMAGE CREDIT: FreeDigitalPhotos.net, jscreationzs

Please, for the sake of your marriage, be open with yourself as you continue reading this emotional affair quiz. It’s only 15 questions long and all of them require simple yes or no answers. I would recommend getting a piece of paper or opening up a text file and keeping track of your answers.

I’ll tell you how to score the quiz after you’ve finished.

The “Am I Having an Emotional Affair” Quiz

– If you’re concerned that your spouse may be having an emotional affair but refuses to see it, print out this quiz then give them the score sheet afterwards.

#1. Have You Ever Said, “We’re Just Friends”?

If you’ve ever said to yourself “we’re just friends” regarding this other man or woman with whom you have a close relationship, that’s a bad sign. Friendships with the opposite gender work differently when you’re married, and if you have to tell yourself – or your spouse – this excuse, something’s wrong.

#2. Have You Crossed the Line of Secrecy?

Emotional affairs are so easy to get into because most people don’t know the “line” past which a friendship turns into an emotional affair. The relationship feels harmless until you’re already in too far. If you’ve ever told your “friend” something that you wouldn’t have told them if your spouse was right next to you literally holding your hand, that’s past the line of emotional infidelity.

#3. Does He/She Give You More Attention Than Your Spouse?

Did you know that the most common excuse for emotional infidelity is “my spouse never pays attention to me”? Usually what that really means is that yes, there are marriage problems, but you’ve chosen to distance yourself into the arms – either emotional or physical – of another man (or woman).

If your “friend” gives you more attention than your spouse, that’s not a reason to continue the friendship… That’s a reason to figure out what’s wrong in the marriage.

#4. Do You Confide in Your Friend about Your Marriage?

Similar to question #2, if you’ve ever talked to this opposite-gendered friend about your marriage problems or the inadequacies of your spouse, that is a huge red flag.

#5. Do You Have Sexual Chemistry with Your Friend?

Flirting with another man or woman is like playing with fire. Nobody intentionally gives into temptation… It’s something that you slowly open up to through a series of bad choices. If you’re flirting with this other man or woman, then your friendship is dangerously close to turning into something more, possibly something physical.

#6. Do You Think That Only Physical Affairs Count As Cheating?

This is another classic excuse of the emotionally unfaithful. If you feel perfectly fine having an intense, secretive “friendship” because you’re not having sex, then you are misinformed. The very definition of an emotional affair is a physical affair minus the sex part.

FYI – Uninterrupted, almost all emotional affairs turn into physical affairs.

#7. Have You Given up Trying to Talk to Your Spouse?

Most men and women engaged in emotional infidelity think that they’ve done their part for their marriage. They’ve given their marriage problems “the old college try”, and since that didn’t work it’s okay to seek fulfillment elsewhere. The emotional affair is what’s making you feel this way, or at the very least it’s a contributing factor.

#8. Do You Look Forward to Being with Your Friend More Than Your Spouse?

This one’s fairly self-explanatory. Especially in an unhealthy marriage where it’s much easier to give into temptation, if you find yourself looking forward to companionship with another man or woman more than your spouse, that’s a bad sign.

#9. Do You Care What the Other Person Thinks about You?

Once again, if you put more effort into your appearance, your communication, and your general presentation for this potentially illicit friendship than you do for your marriage, that’s another red flag.

#10. Have You Ever Compared Your Friend to Your Spouse?

Even when your spouse is making an effort to be loving or kind towards you, you may underestimate their effort by comparing them to this close friend who you have so much chemistry with. If this comparison has ever been sexual in nature then you’ve definitely strayed too far.

#11. Have You Ever Lied to Your Spouse about Your Friend?

Maybe you don’t deliberately lie, you just leave out certain details. This is how emotional affairs start. For example, you and a coworker start going out for lunch or coffee every day… Innocent enough except that you don’t disclose this to your spouse.

#12. Do You Feel like You’re Drifting Apart from Your Spouse?

Similar to question #7, you may very well be drifting away from your spouse emotionally, but don’t blame that on your marriage or on your spouse… Even if you had marriage problems before, becoming emotionally involved with another man or woman WILL drive a wedge into your marriage.

#13. Have You Ever Wished That Your Spouse Would Treat You More like Your Friend Does?

This usually won’t happen while you’re actually with your friend, but on your way home as your mind is wandering, or after a frustrating night with your spouse, you may find yourself wishing that your spouse were more like this close friend. Usually this is also when you start wondering, ”Am I in an emotional affair?”.

#14. Have You Ever Deleted Texts from Your Friend out of Fear of Discovery?

This could also apply to e-mails, Facebook messages, Skype chats or any other form of communication. Basically, do you ever hide just how much you’re talking to this other man or woman?

#15. Are You Reluctant to Give up This Relationship, Even If Your Spouse Disapproves?

Last but not least, if you feel like you shouldn’t have to give up this extramarital relationship/friendship in spite of your spouses feelings, you are in the danger zone. Your marriage should be your top priority, bar none.

In a healthy marriage, no friendship should come before your spouse, even if you personally disagree with their reasoning; you simply trust your spouse’s judgment and enjoy knowing that they would do the same for you.

Count up How Many Times You Answered “Yes”

Now that you’ve gone through the Am I Having Emotional Affair quiz, it’s time to find out how you did.

Here’s how to score your answers:

1 or 2 Yes’s – You’re probably not in a full-fledged emotional affair, but you need to turn your attention to your marriage.

3 to 5 Yes’s – You are having an emotional affair, even though it probably doesn’t seem like it to you. It’s time to permanently end of the friendship and give your marriage another shot.

6 or More Yes’s – No question about it, you’re having an emotional affair and your marriage is closer to divorce than you realize. You’re probably in denial about the depths of your unfaithfulness, but rest assured that you have broken the trust of your spouse. The only way forward is to forcibly end the emotional affair. It will be a long and difficult road back to a happy marriage.

No matter where you ended up on the quiz, if you’re here taking this at all then something is wrong. Your marriage needs to become your top priority, no matter what. Now you have no excuse… You know in your gut whether or not your “close friendship” has crossed the boundaries of marriage into emotional infidelity, and it’s time to take responsibility.

In the end, if you’ve ever ask yourself, am I having an emotional affair, then you probably already strayed too far. However, hopefully this emotional affair quiz has given you a definitive answer. Please feel free to check out the rest of the resources in Emotional Affairs 101 for more help.

With much manly love,
– Jacob

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How to Forgive an Emotional Affair

How to Forgive an Emotional AffairAre you struggling to put the past behind you?

What if I gave you a simple guide on how to forgive an emotional affair?

It’s common knowledge that the lies, deception and subsequent broken trust caused by emotional infidelity is much more difficult to forgive than the damage done by a casual one night stand.

It’s normal for you to have trouble moving forward when your wife has fallen in love with another man and wants him more than she wants you.

If you’re unable to let go of the distrust, the hurt, the frustration and the blame, then this short guide is for you. As you continue reading, you’re going to learn how to forgive an emotional affair and finally move forward to a better marriage.

This guide is all about you and the things you can do for yourself to enable forgiveness. If you want to learn about what your wife should do to help rebuild your trust, you’ll want to read How to End an Emotional Affair.

Still here? Great. Let’s talk about you.

Here are nine tips to help you forgive emotional cheating:

9 Tips to Help You Forgive an Emotional Affair

Infatuation vs. Love

It’s very important to recognize the difference between infatuation and love.

Infatuation is temporary – it is not based on trust, commitment or true love. It’s more like an addiction than an actual relationship… The other person makes you feel good, so you like being around them. There is even a word to describe the chemical reactions in the brain during infatuation: Limerance.

Love is resilient – it remains even after the other person has hurt you (as you’re experiencing right now), it is an acceptance of flaws, and it is unselfish. Love is a true relationship built on friendship, support, and attraction for the other person.

As I will emphasize as you continue reading, this is NOT to excuse your wife or to make light of the immensity of her wrongdoing. There’s no denying that she shattered your trust and damaged your marriage. But, recognize that she was infatuated with the other man, whereas she truly loves you.

I hope that makes sense.

Empathize, But Don’t Excuse

If your wife had an emotional affair, then chances are at some point she blamed you for it. Even if she now feels remorse and accepts responsibility for her actions, you still may hold onto some of that self-blame. “If only I’d been a better husband,” you might say.

Your wife’s emotional infidelity had nothing to do with you. Even if your marriage was not perfect (they never are), seeking love and fulfillment outside the marriage is completely inappropriate and unfaithful.

However, just because your wife has no excuse for her actions doesn’t mean that you can’t feel empathy.

What makes an emotional affair so dangerous is that it is not clearly defined. With a physical affair, you make a conscious choice to have sex with another person. With an emotional affair, the relationship begins as a casual friendship and innocuously moves towards romantic entanglement… If you’re not careful, you can easily cross the line of emotional cheating without realizing it.

This is why so many women deny emotional cheating and, as unbelievable as it sounds, feel like they should be allowed to continue the affair (they might call it a friendship) even after it’s exposed.

In short, even though your wife doesn’t have an excuse for the way she treated you, there may be some comfort to be had in that she probably didn’t deliberately initiate an emotional affair.

Work on “You” – Try to Enjoy Life Outside of Your Marriage

Right now your wife’s emotional affair feels like an enormous burden on your shoulders. It’s like an ominous, foreboding cloud of pain and hopelessness hanging over you and your marriage.

You need to escape.

That doesn’t mean leaving the marriage or your wife, but it does mean spending time on “you”.

On Husband Help Haven, I frequently discuss the idea that the best way to get your wife back is actually to let her go. This is a very similar idea… One of the best ways you can learn how to forgive an emotional affair is to work on recovering your lost self-esteem.

Make it your primary goal to look in the mirror and say “I am happy with ME, no matter what the rest of my life looks like”.

I highly recommend you read 9 Essential Traits of a Good Husband (see right sidebar) for more information about reclaiming your confidence and your position as the leader in your marriage.

Make Use of Friendships

Another very powerful tool that you might not even realize is at your disposal is fellowship.

Spending time with your friends away from your wife will give you clarity, confidence and most importantly, happiness.

Whether it means hitting the gym with your workout buddy, grabbing a few drinks at your local bar, or going on a camping trip for some serious man-time, start being more social. I guarantee it will help you gain perspective on your marriage and soothe the aches that come with emotional infidelity.

If you don’t have any friends that you would particularly want to spend time with, then enroll in a class of some sort. Guitar lessons, spinning classes and church gatherings are all satisfactory examples of opportunities to be social. The important thing is that you get away from the house and spend some time having fun with other people.

Write It Out

One of the most powerful therapeutic tools you can use to aid in the process of forgiving emotional affair is writing. Write out everything that you’re thinking, everything that you’re feeling, everything that you want to say to your wife but can’t.

I have used this tool personally and it is extremely helpful. You will experience an immense amount of relief if you can just get all of that stuff off your chest and onto a piece of paper. You can either write a pretend letter to your wife saying anything and everything you want to say to her (don’t pull your punches), or you can simply set a timer and let everything on your mind flow onto paper.

Seriously, even if you’re not a writer, do not underestimate how much this tip will help you forgive an emotional affair. Some things just need to be said, even if you’re only saying them to a piece of paper.

Embrace the Grief

This one may seem odd, but hear me out:

The most joy and personal growth you will ever experience will always come after a period of being unhappy. In other words, from pain comes happiness.

I know that this is very difficult to see right now, but no matter what happens to your marriage I can promise you that in a year, in two years, in five years, you will look back and see that what you’re going through right now actually made your life better.

Maybe you don’t believe me. In fact, I’m willing to bet you don’t. But the fact of the matter is that happiness would mean nothing without grief.

So don’t shy away from the sadness. Attack it head on, and hold on to whatever faint glimmer of hope you can get your hands around. The pain that you’re experiencing right now is NOT permanent. You will move forward. You will forgive your wife’s emotional affair, and you will be better because of this time of trial.

Have a Vision for Your Marriage

This tip goes hand-in-hand with the last one. Right now your marriage probably feels like a complicated maze of emotions, mistrust and pain. Most men find themselves swaying back and forth like a pendulum between hopeful optimism and crushing depression or rage.

One of the best ways to combat this disorienting turbulence of the motion is to establish a vision for your future marriage. Or if you don’t see yourself staying married, then your future life.

Imagine what your perfect marriage looks like…

  • Imagine having a loving relationship with your wife, and enjoying her constant adoration both physically and emotionally.
  • Imagine freedom from the currently looming mistrust and uncertainty.
  • Imagine being a confident man.
  • Imagine enjoying life.

It may even help you to get out a piece of paper and intricately describe what your dream marriage looks like. Then, you can keep this perfect marriage with you, and whenever you’re feeling down or unsure about where things are going, you can refocus on exactly what you want.

This is like goal setting for your marriage. When you set goals, you are much more likely to reach them because you always know what you’re working towards. Apply this principle to your marriage and to your life.

Don’t Be Afraid of Independent Therapy

As I’ve said plenty of times on Husband Help Haven, I really don’t like marriage counseling. I know for a fact that it does not save marriages, and it is an unreliable tool if you’re counting on it to work miracles. For every good marriage counselor, there are 10 that have no idea what they’re doing.

However, the primary reason I don’t like marriage counseling is because most marriage counselors are much better therapists than they are at fixing marriages.

So, while I don’t like marriage counseling, if you are having serious trouble letting go of trust issues, don’t be afraid to at least consider independent therapy. Although I will warn you – shop around. Don’t just pick up a phone book and visit the first one you see. Get recommendations from friends and family so you don’t inadvertently rely on a quack.

I won’t say much about this… I think you can probably tell for yourself better than I can whether you would benefit from therapy. If you think you would, go for it.

Trust Comes Slowly, Don’t Be Surprised

This is one of the most important things to understand if you’re serious about forgiving an emotional affair.

Your wife shattered your trust. She didn’t just break it… It is in hundreds of little pieces scattered all over the ground. You’re not going to be able to pick up the pieces and glue them back together in one day, or in one week, or even in one month.

It’s very important for you to know this upfront:

It will likely take a year, if not years, for you to fully trust your wife again.

It’s not easy to rebuild honesty after an emotional affair.

However, that doesn’t mean it will never happen. You CAN trust your wife again. However, don’t be surprised if you think you’ve crossed the threshold of trust only to find that you still have a long ways to go.

The journey back from an emotional affair, just like with any infidelity, is a long one. I hope that the resources I’ve provided for you in Emotional Affairs 101 will help make that journey as short as possible, but in the end it will still take hard work and time.

No matter what you do from here, I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

You’re always welcome at Husband Help Haven!

With much manly love,
– Jacob

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How to End an Emotional Affair Permanently in 6 Steps

How to End an Emotional AffairAre you struggling with emotional affair recovery? Do you need to know how to end emotional affair?

As you continue reading this article, you’re going to learn exactly what needs to happen to completely end an emotional affair. Rebuilding trust after an emotional affair is an extremely difficult task, but with a predetermined plan, specific goals, and some good old-fashioned elbow grease, your marriage can return to its former glory and beyond.

This article is specifically about the actions that the wayward wife needs to take in order to completely sever the extramarital relationship and undeniably show the steadfast and faithful husband that he is her first priority.

How to End an Emotional Affair in 6 Steps

None of these steps except the last one are optional. If your unfaithful wife cannot do these things for you, then something is wrong and emotional affair recovery is out of the picture. You will notice that the 6 steps here slightly correspond to the 6 steps in how to survive an emotional affair, which is for the betrayed husband.

At the same time, you need to be open to forgiveness. If you really want your marriage to move forward then you need a threshold over which you say “okay, I believe you and I love you, let’s move on”. In other words, your wife needs to prove to you that she’s done with the emotional affair, but you also need to know .

Are we on the same page? Remember, these steps are for your wife, not for you.

Great! Let’s get started:

Step 1. She Must Accept Responsibility, Even if Marriage Wasn’t Perfect

The most common excuse for an emotional affair is “you never pay attention to me”.

Conversely, the most common reason that women give for falling in love with another man is “he paid attention to me and he ‘gets’ me”.

However, an unhealthy marriage is NOT an excuse to cheat. Furthermore, an emotional affair will CREATE distance in your marriage.

In other words, it’s no coincidence that the spouse suddenly seems inattentive when there is another man being very attentive. It is literally impossible to have a healthy marriage while one spouse is in love with someone else.

If your marriage was so bad that your wife felt completely unloved and rejected, that is not a problem to solve through an affair. Instead, as with any problems in marriage, you bring it out into the open and address it for what it really is.

Your wife must admit that she was having an emotional affair, she must accept responsibility for it, and she should show remorse for what she’s done to you.

Step 2. Sever the Relationship… Period

Once your wife has taken responsibility for her infidelity, the next step to end an emotional affair is a complete severance of the extramarital relationship.

It doesn’t matter if it’s an old high school friend she’s had for 20 years that only recently turned into something more, or a coworker that she’s only known for six months… The relationship is over. Period.

If your wife is unwilling to let go of the relationship, or if she wants to remain friends with the other man, then that is an unacceptable problem. If a “friend” is more important than recovering your marriage, then what is that supposed to tell you as the husband? It means she doesn’t really want to end the emotional affair.

Your wife must be willing to sever the relationship completely if she is serious about ending the emotional affair. The next 2 steps will address how to do that.

Step 3. The No Contact Letter

A No Contact Letter is exactly what it sounds like… A hand written statement (important!) from your wife to the other man that the relationship is over.

This letter shouldn’t be emotionally charged. It is a simple, firm statement that the relationship is over, that it will not begin again, that it has had an adverse effect on her relationship with you, and that her marriage is now her top priority.

Here is a fairly simple example that you should feel free to use:

No Contact Letter Examples

This step is very important both for you and for your wife. It should give you peace of mind that your wife is willing to do this, and it gives your wife the peace of mind and security that comes with letting go. Ideally, the No Contact Letter is the nail in the coffin of the emotional affair.

Step 4. Physically Get Away

Naturally, to permanently end an emotional affair, your wife needs to physically get away from the other man.

This could be as drastic as your whole family moving to the other side of town, or as simple as de-friending him on Facebook and deleting his number. It could mean that your wife needs to change positions at her job, or get a new job entirely. You might need to find a different church or a different group of friends.

It doesn’t matter; she MUST cut him out of her life completely. Whatever it takes is consequence of the emotional affair.

There are two reasons that this is so important: (A) it will be very difficult for her to get over the emotional affair if she continues to be exposed to him, and (B) it will be nigh impossible for you to rebuild trust with your wife when you know she’s still occasionally spending time with him.

If you’ve made it this far in the emotional affair recovery of your marriage, you’re doing pretty well. If your wife has been willing and able to fulfill each of these steps, then the next two will be easy.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel… You’re almost there!

Step 5. Accept Transparency (and Don’t Lie About it)

Your wife needs to accept that you will require full transparency for the next few weeks to the next few months.

This means a few things. You need to be able to…

  • Access her e-mail account
  • Access her Facebook account
  • Read through her text messages
  • Listen in on phone conversations
  • Monitor her whereabouts throughout the day

In situations where your wife has lied to you before, you may even require cell phone tracking to monitor her calls, text messages, and whereabouts. Or you might require computer key logging to monitor what she’s doing online and who she’s talking to.

Drastic? Yes.

Necessary? Yes.

Although not everybody needs to go to the full extent (i.e. cell phone and computer tracking).

Also keep in mind that it’s likely that the other man will attempt to contact your wife, even after she’s sent him a No Contact Letter. He will want to tell her that it’s a mistake, that they weren’t doing anything wrong, and that he misses her friendship. If he’s a real douche, he might even tell her that you’re being a bad husband by restricting her freedom!

She MUST tell you if this happens, and she MUST forcefully shut him down, or ignore him if possible.

If he persists and he is married, don’t be afraid to contact his wife, although I would recommend reserving this for extreme cases.

Step 6. Consider Marriage Counseling (Optional)

It’s no secret that I do not like marriage counseling. Far too many couples rely on marriage counseling as the default medicine for marriage problems.

Let me be clear: marriage counseling is only a good idea when…

  • Both spouses truly desire a better marriage, but have a singular problem that is difficult to resolve.
  • There is infidelity involved and you need a safe-place to say exactly what’s on your mind and work through your trust issues.
  • There are psychological problems inhibiting your marriage, such as bipolar disorder or anxiety. In this case, independent counseling is usually a better place to start.

So, if you are really struggling to get over the trust issues you have with your wife, marriage counseling may be a good place to address those. Independent counseling may also be helpful.

If you want a cheaper alternative to marriage counseling, I recommend this e-course on how to rebuild honesty and trust after infidelity.

Congratulations! Next Comes Forgiveness…

If you’ve made it this far, go ahead and pat yourself on the back. If your wife has been willing to learn how to end an emotional affair with you, the future of your marriage looks very bright. It means that your wife is genuinely dedicated to renewing your marriage.

Even though ending an emotional affair is difficult, I can tell you that every single couple that gets through it finds their marriage better than it’s ever been. Seriously, every single couple I’ve ever heard about or personally interacted with has a better marriage when all’s said and done, IF they can get through the emotional affair recovery.

So, look to the future! There is hope, and you can still find ultimate happiness in your marriage.

I highly recommend you read through the rest of Emotional Affairs 101, especially how to forgive an emotional affair. Forgiveness and severance are the one-two punch that will save your marriage.

I sincerely hope that you have found this guide on how to end an emotional affair helpful.

With much manly love,
– Jacob

Are you struggling with emotional affair recovery? Does your wayward spouse need to know how to and emotional affair?

If your trust has been shattered by emotional infidelity, you’re probably wondering how your spouse can ever earn it back…

As you continue reading this article, you’re going to learn exactly what your spouse can do to convincingly end an emotional affair. Rebuilding trust after an emotional affair is an extremely difficult task, but with a predetermined plan, specific goals, and some good old-fashioned elbow grease, your marriage can return to its former glory and beyond.

This article is specifically about the actions that the wayward wife needs to take in order to completely sever the extramarital relationship and undeniably show you, the faithful husband, that you’re her first priority.

How to End an Emotional Affair in 6 Steps

None of these steps are optional. If your unfaithful wife cannot do these things for you, then something is wrong and emotional affair recovery is out of the picture.

At the same time, if you really want your marriage to move forward then you need a threshold over which you say “okay, I believe you and I love you, let’s move on”. In other words, your wife needs to prove to you that she’s done with the emotional affair, but you also need to know .

Are we on the same page? Remember, these steps are for your wife, not for you.

Great! Let’s get started:

Step 1. She Must Accept Responsibility, Even if Marriage Wasn’t Perfect

The most common excuse for an emotional affair is “you never pay attention to me”. Conversely, the most common reason that women give for falling in love with another man is “he paid attention to me and he ‘gets’ me”.

However, an unhealthy marriage is NOT an excuse to cheat. Furthermore, an emotional affair will CREATE distance in your marriage.

In other words, it’s no coincidence that your spouse suddenly seem inattentive when there is another man being very attentive. It is literally impossible to have a healthy marriage while one spouse is in love with someone else.

If your marriage was so bad that your wife felt completely unloved and rejected, that is not a problem to solve through an affair. Instead, as with any problems in marriage, you bring it out into the open and address it for what it really is.

Your wife must admit that she was having an emotional affair, she must accept responsibility for it, and she should show remorse for what she’s done to you.

Step 2. Sever the Relationship… Period

Once your wife has taken responsibility for her infidelity, the next step to end an emotional affair is a complete severance of the extramarital relationship.

It doesn’t matter if it’s an old high school friend she’s had for 20 years that only recently turned into something more, or a coworker that she’s only known for six months… The relationship is over.

Period.

If your wife is unwilling to let go of the relationship, or if she wants to remain friends with the other man, then that is an unacceptable problem. If a “friend” is more important than recovering your marriage, then what is that supposed to tell you as the husband? It means she doesn’t really want to end the emotional affair.

Your wife must be willing to sever the relationship completely if she is serious about ending the emotional affair. The next 2 steps will address how to do that.

Step 3. The No Contact Letter

A No Contact Letter is exactly what it sounds like… A hand written statement (important!) from your wife to the other man that the relationship is over.

This letter shouldn’t be emotionally charged. It is a simple, firm statement that the relationship is over, that it will not begin again, that it has had an adverse effect on her relationship with you, and that her marriage is now her top priority.

Here is a fairly simple example that you should feel free to use:

This step is very important both for you and for your wife. It should give you peace of mind that your wife is willing to do this, and it gives your wife the peace of mind and security that comes with letting go. Ideally, the No Contact Letter is the nail in the coffin of the emotional affair.

Step 4. Physically Get Away

Naturally, to permanently end an emotional affair, your wife needs to physically get away from the other man.

This could be as drastic as your whole family moving to the other side of town, or as simple as de-friending him on Facebook and deleting his number. It could mean that your wife needs to change positions at her job, or get a new job entirely. You might need to find a different church or a different group of friends.

It doesn’t matter; she MUST cut him out of her life completely. Whatever it takes is consequence of the emotional affair.

There are two reasons that this is so important: (A) it will be very difficult for her to get over the emotional affair if she continues to be exposed to him, and (B) it will be nigh impossible for you to rebuild trust with your wife when you know she’s still occasionally spending time with him.

If you’ve made it this far in the emotional affair recovery of your marriage, you’re doing pretty well. If your wife has been willing and able to fulfill each of these steps, then the next two will be easy.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel… You’re almost there!

Step 5. Accept Transparency (and Don’t Lie About it)

Your wife needs to accept that you will require full transparency for the next few weeks to the next few months.

This means a few things. You need to be able to…

  • Access her e-mail account

  • Access her Facebook account

  • Read through her text messages

  • Listen in on phone conversations

  • Monitor her whereabouts throughout the day

In situations where your wife has lied to you before, you may even require cell phone tracking to monitor her calls, text messages, and whereabouts. Or you might require computer key logging to monitor what she’s doing online and who she’s talking to.

Drastic? Yes.

Necessary? Yes.

Although not everybody needs to go to the full extent (i.e. cell phone and computer tracking).

Also keep in mind that it’s likely that the other man will attempt to contact your wife, even after she’s sent him a No Contact Letter. He will want to tell her that it’s a mistake, that they weren’t doing anything wrong, and that he misses her friendship. If he’s a real douche, he might even tell her that you’re being a bad husband by restricting her freedom!

She MUST tell you if this happens, and she MUST forcefully shut him down, or ignore him if possible.

If he persists and he is married, don’t be afraid to contact his wife, although I would recommend reserving this for extreme cases.

Step 6. Consider Marriage Counseling (Optional)

It’s no secret that I do not like marriage counseling. Far too many couples rely on marriage counseling as the default medicine for marriage problems.

Let me be clear: marriage counseling is only a good idea when…

  • Both spouses truly desire a better marriage, but have a singular problem that is difficult to resolve.

  • There is infidelity involved and you need a safe-place to say exactly what’s on your mind and work through your trust issues.

  • There are psychological problems inhibiting your marriage, such as bipolar disorder or anxiety. In this case, independent counseling is usually a better place to start.

So, if you are really struggling to get over the trust issues you have with your wife, marriage counseling may be a good place to address those. Independent counseling may also be helpful.

If you want a cheaper alternative, I recommend this e-course on after infidelity.

Congratulations! Next Comes Forgiveness…

If you’ve made it this far, go ahead and pat yourself on the back. If your wife has been willing to learn how to end an emotional affair with you, the future of your marriage looks very bright. It means that your wife is genuinely dedicated to renewing your marriage.

Even though ending an emotional affair is difficult, I can tell you that every single couple that gets through it finds their marriage better than it’s ever been. Seriously, every single couple I’ve ever heard about or personally interacted with has a better marriage when all’s said and done, IF they can get through the emotional affair recovery.

So, look to the future! There is hope, and you can still find ultimate happiness in your marriage.

I highly recommend you read through the rest of Emotional Affairs 101, especially how to forgive an emotional affair. Forgiveness and severance are the one-two punch that will save your marriage.

I sincerely hope that you have found this guide on how to end an emotional affair helpful.

With much manly love,

– Jacob

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How to Survive an Emotional Affair and Keep Your Manhood

Struggling to survive an emotional affair? Are her feelings for another man driving you crazy? Get 6 steps to cope with the frustration, guilt and loneliness.

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Emotional Affair Signs – Is Your Wife In Love With Another Man?

Have you ever suspected that your wife is in love with another man? Learn the most common emotional affair signs that tell you where her heart truly lies.

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What Is An Emotional Affair?

What is an emotional affair? How is it defined? Is it worse than a physical affair? How does platonic friendship turn into emotional infidelity?

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Struggling to Talk To Your Wife Now that She’s Leaving?

If you are like most men, then when your wife told you that she wanted to leave, it left you with one feeling above all:

Fear.

And yeah, sure, maybe a little bit of anger to… But I’m willing to bet that if you really stop for a second – take a deep breath – to examine yourself (at your own risk!) that you would find that the root of all that anger you’re feeling right now is actually…Fear.

Maybe it’s fear of the unknown.

Maybe it’s fear of facing yourself.

Maybe it’s fear of loss or rejection, or maybe even fear of being alone for the rest of your life.

The fact is that it doesn’t really matter what you’re afraid of right now, as long as you recognize that fear is at least playing a small part in the way that you’re thinking right now. But guess what?

Fear Isn’t Going to Stop You From Getting Your Wife Back

It’s not going to keep you from knowing how to talk to your wife to get her back, and it’s not going to keep you from a happy marriage, much less a happy life.

Fear is just that… Fear. Like what FDR said during the Great Depression…

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

So, take a deep breath, try to be objective about the situation you’re in right now so that you can learn what to do and not let your emotions/fear incorrectly guide you. As you continue reading this article I’m going to talk to you about what to say to your wife when she says that she’s leaving.

3 Tips to Talk to Your Wife When She’s Leaving

#1. You Have 2 Ears and Only 1 Mouth

Many people hear me say this and mistakenly think that the only thing I’m trying to say is that listening is twice as important as speaking. While I do believe it is true, it also has a slightly deeper meaning.

The alternative meaning to this statement is that in every conversation there are two things you need to hear, and only one thing you need to say. You need to hear what your wife is saying and you need to hear it well enough that you understand it fully. Then, you need to respond politely and accordingly (this is the speaking). But then it goes further, because we all are guilty of miscommunication sometimes. So, it’s also important that you hear what YOU are saying so that your communication is effective and you can really talk to your wife.

So yes, listening is twice as important as speaking, and you use your ears and understanding twice as much as you use your voice and your communication. Does that make sense?

#2. Stay Strong in Front of Your Wife

This is something that very few men get right, because it is actually surprisingly difficult to do. This isn’t saying that you can’t have emotion in front of your wife, or that you can’t express yourself emotionally in front of your wife, or even that you can’t cry in front of your wife.

What it is saying is this:

You should never, ever, EVER beg your wife to stay with you.

While you shouldn’t be emotionally cold, you should maintain your dignity. This is very important, and it is part of being a man/husband/leader.

#3. Always Keep Your Focus on the Real Goal

Many men come to me and ask, “How do I get my wife back,” or “How do I save my marriage,” or even “How do I get my wife to love me again?”

These are all the wrong questions, because they’re focusing on the wrong goals. Your goal right now is very, very simple:

You need your wife to WANT you again.

Think about that statement for a second… Really let it sink in. I’ll say it one more time:

You NEED your wife to want you again.

There are three very important words in this statement…Need, want, again.

You NEED your wife to want you again because there is no other way to truly save your marriage, and conversely when your marriage is truly back on track your wife will want you.

You need your wife to WANT you again because if your wife doesn’t want you then she will not stay with you, plain and simple. No amount of marriage counseling, marriage help books, or ‘figuring stuff out’ is going to have any impact on whether she stays or goes.

You need your wife to want you AGAIN because there has been a time in the past when your wife wanted you in this way, and you need to find out how to reawaken it.

Do you see?

This IS the way to rekindle passion in your marriage, and this is how you can end your wife’s desire for separation:

Make Her Desire Something Else More…You

Now, I know that you have a few questions left on exactly how to get your wife to WANT you. Don’t worry, this is normal! Unfortunately, this article wasn’t written as an encyclopedia on how to get your wife back, it’s just 1 single article.

So here’s what I want to do for you…

Find Out Why She’s Leaving – 9 Essential Traits of a Good Husband

Alternatively, if you would like more information on communication with your wife while your marriage is on the rocks, then I think I know what will help you. Check out this article I wrote about how to convince your wife not to leave.

Either way you decide to go from here, I would like to sincerely thank you for reading this article and I hope that everything works out and you can get through this separation.

With Much Manly Love,
– Jacob Elichmann @ HusbandHelpHaven.com

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Here’s Why Open Communication Won’t Get Your Wife Back No Matter What

Do you find yourself facing marriage problems with your wife? Does it seem like you just can’t get on the same wavelength, or that no matter what you do or say your wife still isn’t satisfied with your marriage?

If so, then this article was written for you. As you continue reading we’re going to bust one of the most common myths that you will hear regarding how to get your wife back. Can you guess what it is? The title pretty much says it all…

Open Communication is Not a Magic Marriage Solution

The first thing most husbands hear when they try to talk to a friend or counselor about their problems is that they need to “improve communication” within the marriage. Does this sound familiar to you?

Have you heard that better communication will help fix the current problems in your marriage?

If so, you have been lied to. This extremely common piece of advice sounds like it should work, but in practice it doesn’t do a whole lot. I have heard of very few women and even fewer marriages that have been repaired because of better communication… What about you?

Plus, open communication isn’t that hard… If that’s all that it took to fix a marriage, do you honestly believe that we would have a ~50% divorce rate in America today? Do you think that 50% of husbands are too dumb to say exactly what’s on their mind to their wives?

I think not.

Why Doesn’t Open Communication Work?

Honestly, I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that it was a woman who originally came up with this idea. It seems like a classic example of a “by women, for women” piece of advice.

See, better communication sounds like a logical piece of marriage advice… It sounds like it should work. I mean, all the healthy marriages that I know of also have very healthy communication between the two spouses. Therefore, shouldn’t practicing better communication also make your marriage better?

Well, in a perfect world, maybe. However, let me explain why this doesn’t work by giving you an analogy…

Maintaining Your Car is Like Maintaining Your Marriage

If you take good care of your car – regular oil changes, tire rotations, inspections, etc. – then you will rarely be surprised by an out-of-nowhere problem like engine failure or a busted transmission. The most expensive maintenance you will ever have to pay for is an oil change, otherwise your car will generally stay in good condition. Rarely will any problems arise because you’ve been a good owner and had the car regularly maintained.

Okay? So if you take good care of your car, it runs more smoothly for a lot longer. We all agree.

But, let’s look at the other side…

If you take bad car of your car – basically just driving it till it stops – then you will find that your car troubles become exponentially more frequent AND more expensive. If you run your car into the ground because you failed to keep up with regular maintenance, then it’s going to take something a lot more expensive than an oil change to keep it running. You may need a completely new engine, transmission, or something else expensive that you wouldn’t otherwise have had to pay for for a long, loooooong time.

So, do you see the two scenarios here?

In a good marriage, open communication is sort of like the regular maintenance… If you keep up with it, then you will rarely have problems, and those you do have will be resolved easily and quickly. However, if you fail to keep up with that regular marriage maintenance it will take a lot more than simple communication to get things running again.

Does that analogy makes sense? In other words…

Open Communication Works for Happy Marriages, Not Yours

If your marriage is on the rocks right now, and if you’re here reading this article then it is, open communication is not going to be enough to fix your marriage or end separation. No matter how clearly you’re able to communicate with your wife, you will be unable to change the way she feels about you or staying in the relationship.

So the question is: What should you do instead?

You need to change the way your wife feels about you… You need to make her feel attracted to you, to want you, to crave being with you. This is going to require a more dramatic change than open communication. You’re going to have to become the good husband that you used to be.

I know you still have some questions about getting your wife back, so this is what I’m going to recommend you do…

Recommended: 9 Essential Traits of a Good Husband

Of course, there are a couple of other articles for you to read on this very website, so you should go ahead and bookmark this page and come back to it anytime to find what’s new on Husband Help Haven.

Whatever you do, thanks for reading!

With Much Manly Love,
– Jacob Elichmann @ HusbandHelpHaven

PS – You can find more articles just like Open Communication Won’t Save Your Marriage at my website for men in need of guy-to-guy marriage help.

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Struggling to Talk To Your Wife Now that She’s Leaving?

If you are like most men, then when your wife told you that she wanted to leave, it left you with one feeling above all:

Fear.

And yeah, sure, maybe a little bit of anger to… But I’m willing to bet that if you really stop for a second – take a deep breath – to examine yourself (at your own risk!) that you would find that the root of all that anger you’re feeling right now is actually…Fear.

Maybe it’s fear of the unknown.

Maybe it’s fear of facing yourself.

Maybe it’s fear of loss or rejection, or maybe even fear of being alone for the rest of your life.

The fact is that it doesn’t really matter what you’re afraid of right now, as long as you recognize that fear is at least playing a small part in the way that you’re thinking right now. But guess what?

Fear Isn’t Going to Stop You From Getting Your Wife Back

It’s not going to keep you from knowing how to talk to your wife to get her back, and it’s not going to keep you from a happy marriage, much less a happy life.

Fear is just that… Fear. Like what FDR said during the Great Depression…

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

So, take a deep breath, try to be objective about the situation you’re in right now so that you can learn what to do and not let your emotions/fear incorrectly guide you. As you continue reading this article I’m going to talk to you about what to say to your wife when she says that she’s leaving.

3 Tips to Talk to Your Wife When She’s Leaving

#1. You Have 2 Ears and Only 1 Mouth

Many people hear me say this and mistakenly think that the only thing I’m trying to say is that listening is twice as important as speaking. While I do believe it is true, it also has a slightly deeper meaning.

The alternative meaning to this statement is that in every conversation there are two things you need to hear, and only one thing you need to say. You need to hear what your wife is saying and you need to hear it well enough that you understand it fully. Then, you need to respond politely and accordingly (this is the speaking). But then it goes further, because we all are guilty of miscommunication sometimes. So, it’s also important that you hear what YOU are saying so that your communication is effective and you can really talk to your wife.

So yes, listening is twice as important as speaking, and you use your ears and understanding twice as much as you use your voice and your communication. Does that make sense?

#2. Stay Strong in Front of Your Wife

This is something that very few men get right, because it is actually surprisingly difficult to do. This isn’t saying that you can’t have emotion in front of your wife, or that you can’t express yourself emotionally in front of your wife, or even that you can’t cry in front of your wife.

What it is saying is this:

You should never, ever, EVER beg your wife to stay with you.

While you shouldn’t be emotionally cold, you should maintain your dignity. This is very important, and it is part of being a man/husband/leader.

#3. Always Keep Your Focus on the Real Goal

Many men come to me and ask, “How do I get my wife back,” or “How do I save my marriage,” or even “How do I get my wife to love me again?”

These are all the wrong questions, because they’re focusing on the wrong goals. Your goal right now is very, very simple:

You need your wife to WANT you again.

Think about that statement for a second… Really let it sink in. I’ll say it one more time:

You NEED your wife to want you again.

There are three very important words in this statement…Need, want, again.

You NEED your wife to want you again because there is no other way to truly save your marriage, and conversely when your marriage is truly back on track your wife will want you.

You need your wife to WANT you again because if your wife doesn’t want you then she will not stay with you, plain and simple. No amount of marriage counseling, marriage help books, or ‘figuring stuff out’ is going to have any impact on whether she stays or goes.

You need your wife to want you AGAIN because there has been a time in the past when your wife wanted you in this way, and you need to find out how to reawaken it.

Do you see?

This IS the way to rekindle passion in your marriage, and this is how you can end your wife’s desire for separation:

Make Her Desire Something Else More…You

Now, I know that you have a few questions left on exactly how to get your wife to WANT you. Don’t worry, this is normal! Unfortunately, this article wasn’t written as an encyclopedia on how to get your wife back, it’s just 1 single article.

So here’s what I want to do for you…

Find Out Why She’s Leaving – 9 Essential Traits of a Good Husband

Alternatively, if you would like more information on communication with your wife while your marriage is on the rocks, then I think I know what will help you. Check out this article I wrote about how to convince your wife not to leave.

Either way you decide to go from here, I would like to sincerely thank you for reading this article and I hope that everything works out and you can get through this separation.

With Much Manly Love,
– Jacob Elichmann @ HusbandHelpHaven.com

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Do You Know Why Your Wife is Leaving You?

“I know my wife wants to leave our marriage, but I don’t know why. If I knew what the problem was then I KNOW I could fix it – I’m willing to do anything for my wife! But everything I’ve tried so far seems like it’s only made it worse. Please help me find out the real reason my wife wants to leave!”

Are you afraid that your wife doesn’t love you anymore? Are you worried that the distance between you and her has grown too great to repair?

Perhaps your wife has already told you that she wants to leave – that she’s tired of the marriage – and it has left you wandering helplessly through a confusing storm of emotions with no idea how to move forward, much less try to repair your marriage!

Well, today I would like to help make things clearer for you. As you continue reading this article you’re going to find out the REAL reason why your wife wants to leave your marriage.

Basically, I’m going to walk you through a series of five questions that you need to ask yourself that will help you to paint a marriage-roadmap of how to proceed. What I’m going to teach you  will help you learn how to convince your wife not to leave.

Sound good to you?

I’m to go through five questions need to ask yourself, and whether or not you write down the answers, you should at least answer honestly in your own head. Make sure you take a second with each question to REALLY think about it.

#1. How Long Has the Distance Been Growing?

Between you and your wife, that is. I want you to honestly reflect on the past weeks, months and even years, and tell me really and truly… How long have you and your wife been growing apart?

When was the last time your marriage was completely free of major problems?

When was the last time your marriage actually felt like a warm and loving relationship instead of a cold, distant battlefield or an oppressive prison of despair?

I want you to honestly take a minute or two and reflect on the journey your marriage (and separation) has taken you through, and how you’ve gotten to where you are right now.

Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Okay! Let’s get to question #2…

#2. Have You Neglected Your Wife in Any Way?

Now before you clam up and get all defensive on me, just hold on one second…

I know that ‘neglect’ sounds like a very terrible word and not one that you want to associate yourself with, but remember that neglect can come in many forms… In fact, you may not even realize that you’re guilty until you take time to look in hindsight. And that’s what I want you to do now… Reflect, again, on the past few months of your marriage.

Really try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes; can you see areas of your marriage where she may have felt neglected because of something you did or didn’t do?

Here’s another way of finding the answer to this question…Think back to the vows you made at your wedding. Have you upheld every single one of those vows?

If you’re like most husbands, then the answer is that you have failed in at least one or two of these perspectives.

Again, none of this necessarily makes you a bad person, it just means that you have room to grow as a husband. That’s a good thing – it means you have HOPE! What would be worse is if we couldn’t figure out the problem and there was nothing you could do to save your marriage, right?

#3. Have Your Common Interests Drifted Apart?

While it’s not true that you need to marry someone that shares all of your interests to have a happy marriage, it is true that you need to have at least a few things in common. I want you to reflect back to BEFORE you and your wife got married…

  • What things drew the two of you together?
  • What was it they gave you your initial chemistry?
  • What lit that first spark?

Now, I want you to think about your marriage now…

Where are those common interests?

Where is that chemistry?

What happened to the things the two of you used to do together?

While it’s true that we as people will always be growing and changing who we are, maintaining the commonalities between you and your wife – or at least keeping them in perspective – will really help you to keep your marriage strong to the roots.

#4. Do You Know What Your Wife Wants from Life?

This question is one that I know for a fact will take some deep reflection on your part. Do NOT just say the first thing that pops in your head… Seriously take a couple minutes to think about this…

  • What are your wife’s goals in life?
  • What does she want?
  • On her deathbed, what is your wife going to look back and remember fondly?

Now, how have any of these answers changed since you first got married? Does your wife want anything different out of life now than when you in her first got married?

Understanding what your wife wants out of life will make it much easier to understand her motivation for wanting to leave, and perhaps help you understand the root cause of many of the problems in your marriage. Don’t underestimate the power that this question holds.

#5. How Have You Changed Since Being Married?

This is perhaps the most important question of all, which is why I’ve saved it for last.

What is the difference between you right now, and the you before you got married?

How have you changed physically, mentally and emotionally?

How have your life goals changed?

Most importantly, how has your wife’s perception of you changed?

I want you to very carefully compare the way that you used to be around your wife to the way you are now. What are the differences in your attitude, perspective and actions? How has the way that you treat your wife changed?

By carefully reflecting on each of these questions you can achieve great insight into why your wife wants to leave. More importantly, you can gain in-depth perspective on what it will take to get your wife to STAY with you.

I know you still have a couple of questions or clarifications that you’re not quite sure on…Don’t worry though because that’s actually normal. Don’t think there’s something wrong with you because you still have a couple questions left after reading this article.

This is what I would like to do for you…Check out this FREE guide:

Do You Deserve a Happy Wife?
The 9 Essential Traits of a Good Husband

Of course, I have lots of other free goodies available for you on my website. If you would like more advice on how to get your wife back when your marriage is on the rocks, then feel free to browse around.

Of course, whatever you decide to do from here I honestly wish you the best.

Good luck!

With Much Manly Love,
– Jacob Elichmann

Visit HusbandHelpHaven.com to get more free articles like The Real Reason Your Wife Wants to Leave. Of course, everything on my site is free for your enjoyment! Thanks so much for reading you guys =)

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